Rupture
Rupture; to break or burst suddenly and completely.
Rupture seems to be my thing. Over and over again. Is it because I feel so deeply? Is it because I’m one of those really sensitive humans? I can be extremely turned on with life itself and vibrating so high and then bam! I’m angry, I’m crying, I’m confused, I’m sad and I’m lonely. And it hits me so quickly, so deeply and most of the time without warning. I know with all my heart the path is, as it should be, and I try my best not to resist and instead, lean in and let it all come up and out of me. Which is happening right now. For the last month I feel as though I’ve been moving through some kind of portal or death from my past and rebirthing a new way. Finally! This has happened before but not like this. It’s different this time. I got more real than ever before in my pain and anger and allowed it to be. I didn’t ask why, I said yes! I said let’s do this. Let’s move through it.
Moving through the trauma. Is that even a thing? Do you move through it? Do you move away from it? Or is it all about becoming aware of the pain and hurt and allowing the emotions to be felt? For me, allowing the emotions to be felt instead of naming it or giving it a story, simply feel it and own that I’m sad or angry or resentful or bitchy or whatever it is, was extremely transformative. For about the fifth time, and I’m not exaggerating, I have said goodbye to my love. To someone who’s soul, I know one hundred percent, is one I know from another time, another life. Our relationship has taught me a great deal about life and myself and not at all in an easy supportive good way, more like a heartbreaking, gut wrenching, rupture kind of way. I can finally say that I have alchemized this pain in to clarity and so much love for myself. I’m beginning to feel more powerful and in alignment with my purpose. If I can only stay in the now and allow myself to soften and trust again and not in the past where my trauma lives. That is the key. It’s back there. I’m here and it misses me and is trying to get me back and keep me small. Literally I feel as though it’s more comfortable / easier for me to stay in this default victim mode. Poor me. This happened. There was so much deceit and he played games with my heart. Yes!! It happened and I allowed it, over and over again. However, from my rupture I can now allow myself the experience of rapture in many different ways. I’ve created a business and have massive passion for better, for more. I’ve made beautiful connections with other like minded women and from this the healing began. So yah, good-bye victim. Hello goddess! The goddess I am meant to be. Look at me now. Doing workshops for women, retreats to liberate, inspire and expand. I’m reviving not only myself but others from what has been holding us back. I get it now and I need more of you, my sister goddesses, to make this new way of being an embodiment and a revolution! To move away from the low level vibes and unleash our wild woman, allowing ourselves unfiltered happiness!
We all have trauma. Mine may seem insignificant in comparison to yours. However, remember comparison is the death of imagination and authenticity and therefore will keep you stuck. I am going to imagine my life to be full of complicated, twist and turns and then full on orgasmic bliss. I am not that woman from my past. I am not who I thought I was or was trying to be. I am more. I am whole. I am all encompassing love and nourishment for myself first and foremost, and for others, from my overflow. My hope is that by sharing this I will gain even more momentum to move away from the shrinkage I’ve been allowing and open myself to receive what is meant for me in relationships and life! And my deepest desire is this blog, and more blogs to come, will inspire others to be bold and tenacious in their darkness and take radical steps towards joy and pleasure!
So who are you in the now, on the other side of your rupture and pain? Who do you think you are and who do you feel you are? What do you deeply desire? What can you do for yourself that is a radical act of pleasure? I dare you to journal about this. Allow yourself to be as messy as can be, raw and outrageously imaginative!